Guys, I’ll be honest: I had no clue what I was going to write about this week.
Therefore, I’m writing about the process of not knowing what to write. In case you ever want to try it yourself.
What follows is not recommended for control freaks. It has been known to cause allergic reactions, heart failure, and in some extreme cases, death.
I should know, because I’m in that last category.
Because it’s only Saturday, and OF COURSE I can churn something out by Thursday. It’s like, five days away—
Oh. It’s tomorrow?
I can still get it done.
Recruit the family for ideas
And then use none of them.
Consider that lame idea birthed and rejected two months ago
But no, I discussed this with the voice in my head, and we decided that it was too stupid to ever see the light of day.
I don’t think I got this across clear enough.
There we go.
Yup, we’re going with the lame idea
Write like a desperate person
Mainly because I AM one.
It is now two o’ clock in the morning, and I am writing under the covers with a flashlight, counting down in my head how many hours left until I have to publish this thing. Fortunately, I’m too tired to be bothered by the stupidity of it, the horribleness of my grammar, or anything else that could cause offense to the brain. After throwing together a few disjointed thoughts and some failed attempts at humor, I. AM. DONE.
And it is wonderful.
Reread it the next day and realize that it’s actually not
Rewrite the intro
Because my sister Anna always says they’re terrible.
Rewrite the name
Because Anna says they’re worse.
‘Cause let’s be honest here: It’s all bad.
Holy mackerel, is it 5 P.M. already?
No one said I HAVE to post it on Thursday. Friday is perfectly acceptable too.
Procrastinate until Friday
Because I obviously haven’t learned my lesson.
But seriously. I can get it done by Friday. No biggie. It’s only, like—
Make something up and call it good
Kind of like that, except with considerably more blood and explosions, and I’m actually not smiling, but, in fact, dead.
Slap that baby on the editing table
Mom: “You literally used the same word four times in the span of one sentence.”
Me: *googles synonyms for ‘very’*
WHAT? WAIT, NO, I DIDN’T MEAN TO DO THAT. I TAKE IT BACK, I TAKE IT BACK, I TAKE IT BACK. STOP.
And possibly hold your breath or close your eyes or play dead, and in extreme cases, all three at once.
Celebrate surviving another week
Man, I can’t believe I lived through that. I must be super-human or something. I must be Captain America. Sheesh, I’m DEFINITELY not going through THAT again. I’ve learned my lesson this time. Really.
But right now, I’m going to rest my poor nerves by pretending I don’t have a blog. After all, the next post is due a week from now. I have time. It’s only, like, Saturday. Thursday is five days—
Wait. Thursday is tomorrow?
It’s actually shameful how many posts have been written this way.
Now you know.
Go forth, kids, and don’t be like me.