The Secret Plot to Assassinate Sarah Baran by Art

The Secret Plot to Assassinate Sarah Baran by Art Class

Well, guess what: You know how fall has been creeping up on us, and I don’t like it? It just added a new gun to its belt:


Yes, homeschool co-op started this week. I have to go every Monday. You guys better prepare yourselves for a whole lot of upcoming drama, because that place and my ego do not get along very well. Does anyone remember the time my aunt accidentally abandoned me in the study hall?

(If you do remember that post, I commend you, because you’ve been with me for a very long time.)

(Also, my grammar was horrible back then.)

Remember the time I had to exhibit my stellar math skills in front of the entire class, and proved that eleven minus nine is, in fact, three?

(Yeesh, my grammar was still horrible. What’s with that?)

My prospects for surviving this year are fast diminishing…

True, I’m only taking one class, and it’s probably the tamest class out there: Water-color. Still, I’m a Baran, and Baran’s are drawn to disaster. It’s in our blood. We can’t help it.

My prospects for surviving this year are nonexistent.

Monday morning started when I, determined I wasn’t going to be late for my first day of class, woke up super early, ambled out to the living room, and promptly fell asleep on the couch, only to wake up an hour before I had to leave.

This resulted in mild panic.

Well, okay, not really. But with my extraordinary knack at procrastinating, time flew by without me realizing it. Suddenly, I didn’t even have an hour: I had five minutes. I couldn’t find my shoes, my art stuff wasn’t together, my granddad was at the door, waiting to take me, I had to go, NOW, and my dear mother was in the background, feebly requesting a pot of coffee.

She didn’t get it.

I finally managed to scrape everything together (including myself) and rush out the door, only to return a moment later.

I had forgotten something.

But hey, instead of looking at that incident like a harbinger of doom, come to foreshadow what the rest of the year is going to be like, let’s appreciate the fact that I actually remembered I’d forgotten something before I was twenty minutes down the road. At least that’s sort of promising, in a strange and twisted way.


And then, suddenly, I was there. Standing alone. Staring at the church that had been commandeered for co-op uses. Wondering why on earth I had, once again, chosen this fate, when I could have stayed home and read a book in blissful solitude while eating chocolate.

I can be really stupid sometimes.

But despite the fact that I was lost, alone, and practically late, I managed to look surprisingly poised. There is something inexplicably comforting in being able to look on top of things, whether or not you actually are. For some reason, knowing I seemed completely composed made me feel completely composed, and so I glided across the parking lot like a queen come into her own; like a goddess among mortals, my stride purposeful, my face a masterpiece of condescension and confidence.

Then I tripped on the stairs.

But anyway.

The class in itself was strangely uneventful. I went into it expecting some huge, arduous endeavor—Mrs. Howard, the teacher, has a fondness for stretching my ability in ways I don’t like.

Instead, I was drawing pens.

Apparently, this year, it’s not just a simple water-color class. It’s “Art Appreciation”. Which means we learn to “appreciate” the classic artists, not just for their paintings, but for who they were as people.

Honestly, I couldn’t give a rip. Van Gogh tried to cut his ears off. Weird.

Unfortunately, I don’t teach the class.

So because Leonardo Da Vinci was a very “scientifick” man who cut people open to diagram their insides, we have to be “scientifick” ourselves, and cut things open in the attempts to draw them “scientifickly“.

“Things” being rubber balls and pens and sparkly fake flowers.

Real scientifick.

In defense of whoever’s grand idea all this was, they’re teaching me patience and humility. And, you know, there might be something good behind appreciating artists, after all. At least I can learn from their mistakes.

Note to self: Do not attempt improvised ear surgery.

But GUYS! I got a tiny skeleton! This was literally the best part of the whole class. Don’t ask me what his purpose was, because he’s probably the least scientifick thing that’s ever graced this earth (seriously, the guy’s got a nob coming out of his head with string tied to it), but who am I to question science?


We found the cause of death…


Mrs. Howard was teacherly enough to suggest that maybe he’d fallen and hit his head on a table.

I prefer to think that an orc whacked him with an axe.

After an hour and a half of drawing pens, during which I was NOT impressed, Mrs. Howard gave out the homework. I was on the edge of my seat, waiting for the good stuff to finally happen, expecting something exciting and epic and…

We’re drawing fruit.


I was not impressed.

Then she said, “If you’d like something more challenging, tell me, and I’ll see what I can do.”

Being my dumb self, I volunteered as Tribute.

I can be really dumb sometimes.

“Ah, Sarah, I was expecting that,” she said, and handed me a book. “Here. Do one of these.”

So basically, I went from doing this…


To this.

Seriously though, what was with the HAIR back then? Yeesh.

On the up side, it’s nice to know she has confidence in me…


So yeah. That was my First Day experience at co-op. Surprisingly, there were zero casualties. Maybe the year won’t be so bad, after all.

And hey, I got a tiny plastic skeleton out of it, so there’s always that.




40 thoughts on “The Secret Plot to Assassinate Sarah Baran by Art

  1. Yep. I remember those posts, but NOT because I’ve been around a long time. When I first discovered your blog, I went through and read almost all the archives. Lol. I love your writing, by the way! 😜


  2. Ah, yes. Co-op. I finally managed to escape that weekly dose of extroversion last year on the grounds that “I’m a sophomore in high school. *haughty sniff* I don’t have time for co-op stuffs. *flounces off, nose in the air*” 😜
    And same here, I harp on and on about the horrors of having to leave my introverted shell for six hours once a week, but it co-op really is fun and I (kinda, no need to get crazy here) miss it. πŸ™‚
    Anyway, super fun post! And I *avoids eye contact* apparently hadn’t caught any of the other posts you referenced so I got three doses of Sarah Snark for the price of one. 😜


      1. *stares at your beautiful excuse* Don’t mind me, I’m just… *shuffles guiltily* Just… borrowing something…
        Us poor put upon souls. We aren’t MEANT to endure this much people! *as all the public schoolers stare at us and wonder what our problem is* *cough* Okay, I guess all things considered, co-op isn’t that bad. At least, it could be worse. πŸ™‚

        (And have you ever seen the Conversations Emma Flournoy and I have in the comments? Honey, don’t worry. That wasn’t a long comment. πŸ˜‰ )

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Yes, it could certainly be worse. 😝 And actually, my mum was the co-leader at ours, so we got to do fun things like arrive super early before everyone else and turn all the lights on in the classrooms and stuff. Being alone in big buildings that I’m used to seeing full of people always gets me all excited. πŸ˜†
          (Oh, good, because here’s another long one coming your way. 😜)


  3. Haha! I love this! Yay for more stuff by The Sarcastic Elf!! Seriously, you live up the claim of ‘sarcastic’ very well.
    I took Art Appreciation for the last two years, and honestly I sort of liked it. I got to be (sort of) better at something than a certain one of my friends, so that turned out well, I suppose. I’m not even remotely better than him at anything else. It annoys me.


    1. Well, I’m glad to be deserving of my title. It would just figure if it was called ‘The Sarcastic Elf’ and I was the most serious, scholarly person to inhabit the planet… πŸ˜‚

      HA! I know the feeling. It’s always nice when you have something you %100 KNOW you can do better. *cough* This may go to my head sometimes…


            1. Watching (or in this case, reading) mother-daughter things is hilarious for me. It even if it is if I’M the daughter in question. Sarah, I agree with you.

              Liked by 1 person

  4. You poor thing. *goes in a corner to weep for you* *is actually laughing uproarously*
    Do you know how much I love your Loki gifs? Good grief.
    And you surely MUST show us your more challenging Renassaince painting when it’s done. πŸ˜‚

    HEEEEYYYY, I know some things about Leo da V! Did you know he had a pet lizard, whom he kept in a box and ‘dressed up’ to look ferocious? Then when people came disturbing his times of deep thinking and whatnot, he would say, “I have the most fascinating object in my box. Would you care to see it?” and then the dragon would scare the unwanted visitors out of the room.
    (Don’t try and pretend that isn’t the kind of thing you’d do.)
    AND, he invented this parachute thingy and tested it out on his servant. But instead of soaring over the city, the poor servant fell and broke his leg. *sniff* The inventors should try out their own experiments.
    And he also wrote from right to left! Sheesh man. Maybe he had dyslexia.
    AND—I’ll bet you didn’t know this one—he PAINTED THE MONA LISA. *solemn solemn nod*

    I’ll quit now.

    But I liked your gravatar as Sarah Baran. It’s more personal. *pouts*

    Oh, and congratulations on your pet skeleton. Will you name him?


  5. Some friend you are, laughing at my tribulation. *is offended*

    You’re right. I would do that if I had a lizard. And heeeey, Emma… *steals all your Leonardo facts* Hope you don’t mind. I need them. It’s for a good cause. *cough*

    *shocked gasp* *convulses* *falls onto floor with tongue sticking out* He painted the WHAT?!?!?! The MONA LISA?!? Didn’t they find that carved into some cave wall with no signature? *feels enlightened* Wow. I never knew!

    (Honestly, I think I’m going to change it back. I agree. It’s more personal.)
    The Skeleton’s name is Bob. πŸ˜›


      1. WHAT, you’re letting me loose? *maniacal giggling* Just what I wanted. We have this awesome book called Rats, Bulls, and Flying Machines, about the Renassaince and Reformation. It’s really funny and informative and that’s where I get most of my Renassaince info. Lemme see.
        Wellll…he wandered the streets of Milan people-watching to get just the right faces and poses in his head for his fresco The Last Supper. That famous thing.
        He was…quite scientifick? and drew tons of detailed anatomical pictures. Not just the outside of the body but the inside too, and APPARENTLY, dissected over thirty cadavers until the pope commanded him to stay out of the morgue. XD Help.
        And he explored almost every sphere of science, including optics and geology, physics, engineering…
        Did lots of sketches and planning for different inventions…
        And I read that he was a musician, though I don’t know what he played. Most likely some twangy lute. πŸ˜›


          1. Honestly though, none of us have any room to talk about weirdos. We’ve thought of this stuff millions of times to put in our books. Leonardo actually just DID it. πŸ˜‚

            Emma… you are the best friend for a desperate soul. *bows and scrapes* I have done my research, prompted by your lovely little tidbits that guided my search, and am actually feeling…somewhat…prepared.

            *snorts* Yeah, who am I kidding.


            1. Exactly. XD
              (Btw Gracie, I’ve wondered,where on earth do you get your really expressive emoji faces? They’re hilarious!)

              Yay!!! Go forth, O Thou PREPARED. *Jedi mind-tricks you* You are prepared.

              *plays twangy lute in your wake*


              1. Oh, and my emojis. 😁 My phone and my laptop have them preprogrammed, so I’m afraid I can’t really point you to a place where you can get them. 😭 But I’m glad you like them…? XD


    1. Oh I know, that’s me. *nodnod*

      But it was just the way you put your tribulations. You make them so entertaining.

      Mmmmhm. Of course. πŸ˜€ As long as that’s legal… Maybe you can research them briefly, just to make sure. XD

      Yeah I KNOW! Isn’t it the most shocking bit of history? *wheeze*

      (Haha!! Take that Anna. *cough* Sorry. πŸ˜‰ πŸ˜€ Official vs. personal though…personal can be lots better sometimes πŸ˜€ )
      Aw man, I hoped you’d name it Jack Sparrow. XD Or Barbossa.
      But Bob will do.


  6. Oh, where do you find the gifs? And how do you get them onto a post? I want to use gifs but I have no idea how to find or use them…


    1. I just search what I want a gif of. Like, “Loki gif”. That sort of thing. (But beware: You have to be VERY specific. Google, unfortunately, does not have a moral filter…) You post them the way you would a normal picture. Savvy? πŸ™‚


  7. Hello. I am new to this, but I can tell you now that you have become one of my absolute favorite blogs.
    Of course, I don’t read too many blogs, but still. You seem like you’d get it.


    1. Yay! A new person! I love new people! Welcome to my whacko corner of the blogisphere. Glad to know I’ve made it to your list of favorites—that’s by far one of the most encouraging things a blogger can hear. πŸ™‚

      (And you wouldn’t, by any chance, happen to be on Kingdom Pen? Your name sounds familiar…)


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