Family, Life

The Mishap of Marriage // Anna’s unconventional romance, pt. 3

by Sarah Baran

Greetings, peasants. If by some misfortune you missed the last two posts in this series, I highly recommend catching up. (Or don’t. Whatever.) To summarize – Anna got herself engaged to a fairly awesome horrible guy, and we subsequently failed as wedding planners.

{Part 1}

{Part 2}

The week before the wedding, people started trickling in from the far corners of the universe. Jesse flew in from Canada (shortly followed by his family), and I retreated into the darkest corners of the house to protect myself from the effects of the happy couple’s twitterpated radiation. A small caravan of our aunts, uncles, grandparents, and cousins arrived from Maryland, and three days before the wedding, we embarked on the final (and most arduous) phase of putting on a wedding: Making THIS look pretty.

(The room. Not my grandfather.)

“We” I say, as though I had anything to do with it. My aunts brought with them a small horde of Essential Wedding Items, and promptly descended on our ugly church like an invading army of decorating vikings, armed with tulle and twinkle lights.

Mom, meanwhile, was Warden of the Church Keys. Our pastor entrusted them to her for the next few days to make wedding prep easier, and there was not a moment where they weren’t hanging around her neck like the crown jewels. She was very proud.

Dad and Granny set themselves up as Lord Supervisors. They didn’t do much, but by golly, at least they looked fabulous.

And these two… did whatever these two do. Which was eat.

To decorate the sanctuary, we’d bought an arbor frame from Hobby Lobby which we were going to drape with tulle and flowers and other such pretties. There was just one problem:

In the profound words of Anna, “…it’s crooked.”

The Lord Supervisor himself deigned to fix it, aided by his minion Jesse’s little brother and the magical powers of duck-tape. Meanwhile, my creative genius of a cousin headed up the “Make Things Not Look Ugly” operation, and with the help of a few poor souls coerced into slave-labor, made things not look ugly.

Those are my hands up there, in case you were wondering.

Somehow, against all odds, we managed to prod some semblance of beauty out of our hideous church, just in time for the rehearsal — which made me understand why we have rehearsals. To put it mildly, it was a disaster. A charming, low-stress disaster with all the brides maids bunching in the doorway and Anna charging down the aisle too fast and Jesse mumbling his vows and the two of them guffawing like absolute children and having a grand time. Meanwhile, our poor punctilious pastor sighed in world-weary resignation and face-palmed internally.

And just like that, it was the night before the wedding.

How is a person supposed to feel the night before their sister gets married? I certainly didn’t know. I thought that I should be overwhelmed with sadness, or excitement, or nerves – at the very least, some sort of strong emotion would have been preferable to descending into numbness. I was just tired.

“Will you cry tomorrow?” Anna asked before we went to bed.

I thought about it. I didn’t feel like crying; I didn’t feel much of anything. “Probably not.”

The next morning dawned – the wedding morning, the moment from whence our lives would never be the same. I went downstairs, expecting to feel change in the air. How do people act on their wedding day? Would everything already seem different?

I found dad grumbling over our fireplace as he violently stuffed wood into it. Mom was still in bed eating toast. Anna, the bride herself, sat in the corner filling out her absentee-voter’s ballot. “Hey mom,” she yelled over her shoulder, “I don’t know who any of these people are.” And proceeded to throw herself into it like she was personally campaigning for every candidate on the list.

Because that’s definitely the kind of thing you do right before you get married.

We rolled into church and descended on last-minute details. (Dad hid. Mom cried in a corner somewhere. Anna took a nap.) The brides maids trickled in, and we barricaded ourselves in the nursery to get ready and help Anna prepare — an experience which was 25% “getting ready” and 75% Anna bursting into spontaneous nervous chortling.

“I feel like I have a bunch of slaves,” she said. She wasn’t wrong.

Our photographer herded us outside, and Anna led the charge like a pied-piper of bridal slaves. Everything was going really well until about three minutes in, when her veil fell off.

We put it back on, and then–

It fell off again.

She be pwetty. She also be misleadingly normal. This whole “radiant bride” thing barely lasted ten minutes before the real Anna came bursting through in a spray of shrapnel and more spontaneous chortling.

Yeah, there we go.

Because of course basketball is what you do when you’re wearing a delicate and blindingly white dress with sleeves so tight you can barely get your arms over your head.

Predictably, the next half -hour was spent with paper-towels and hydrogen peroxide as the bride’s slaves labored over asphalt stains.

Oh, and her veil fell off. Again.

(“Wouldn’t it be funny if it fell off during the ceremony?” she said, to which we giggled nervously and prayed she was joking.)

By this point Jesse and his male entourage had arrived. (May or may not have happened unexpectedly while we were still in the parking lot taking pictures, and the brides maids panicked and tackled Anna to keep him from seeing her.) He’d been relegated to a back hallway with his pathetically small retinue, which consisted of his dad and brother and my dad and brother since none of his friends could get across the Canadian border to come be groomsmen. Having gotten bored scrubbing stains out of Anna’s skirt, I decided to hang out with them.

His exact words were, “I think Sarah’s hoping I’ll let her tie this for me so she can choke me with it.”

*gasp* I would NEVER!

The father-daughter first-look was… typical. Then we were herded outside for more pictures.

HAHA, you didn’t know I had a brother, did you! He rarely makes it into my life posts because he lives oh so far away, the little traitor.

Eventually guests began to trickle in, and we reposed to our various places of reposal. Don’t let anyone convince you that being a brides maid is fun; half the time is spent having your photograph taken (to various levels of success), and the other half is spent waiting. (And tormenting your soon-to-be brother-in-law. But that’s a rabbit trail.)

We bonded over the fact that no one wanted to eat those carrots.

And then… it was show-time. We clustered in the hallway, organizing ourselves in order of appearance. I briefly considered hiding a tissue in my bouquet, just in case, but finally thought, naaaaaaah. I wasn’t going to cry. I wasn’t even nervous; I just felt numb, and tired. Still.

The music started playing. (The Anne of Green Gables theme, no less, because Anna was determined to kill her audience with feelz.) The first brides maid started down the aisle. Then the second. I looked behind me. Anna was with dad — still laughing. The third brides maid started down the aisle. Then the fourth, the fifth. It was my turn, and suddenly I regretted not getting that tissue.

As I walked down the aisle, random scenes kept flashing through my head — snapshots from my childhood and the last seven years of being a teenager, memories of stupid games and late night book rants and banter, so much banter. Ten-hour road-trips, jammed in the back of the vehicle with nothing but car-sickness and a loud sister for companionship. All the days we tried and failed to learn karate together. That time she said, “Sarah, you should start a blog,” so I did. The times she’d say, “Sarah, let’s go on an adventure,” so we would. The day she announced, “Sarah, I’m getting married.”

And here we were.

It’s not like she was dying, or I’d never see her again — not really, even though she was moving to Canada with Jesse, and my family wouldn’t be able to cross the closed borders for visits — and it’s not like this wasn’t the moment that had kept me up night after night for an entire year, a small fist of dread writhing in my stomach whenever I tried to sleep. I was prepared for it, or I thought I was. My tissue-less hands were proof of that. But here we were, and this was happening, and whether for good or ill, this moment we stood in — this moment when the doors opened and out she came, smiling the smile that hadn’t left her face since she checked all the boxes in her voting ballot that morning–

This moment changed everything forever.

…so yeah, I kind of lost my composure.

In front of everyone.

I saw an evil glimmer spark in the photographer’s eyes, and– oh no, is she– yes, she’s pointing her camera at me– oh dear, please tell me this isn’t going to be immortalized–

Dangit, Mrs. Photographer.

In the words of my best-friend, who was sitting in the back row giving me sympathetic sad faces during the entire service, “Hey, at least you cry gracefully!”

Thanks, Emma.

Look at them. So much cheese. Pastor, bless his soul, was doing a terrific job of restraining his eyes from rolling.

Meanwhile, my composure — having suffered a serious hit — lay in a puddle at my feet as the STUPID TEARS JUST KEPT COMING. I briefly wondered if I could wipe my nose on my bouquet, but the photographer was still grinning at me like a wolf in sight of her prey and I didn’t want to give anymore fodder to her bloodthirsty fire. A congregational hymn started, but all I could do was stare at our song-sheet and mentally devise the best way to use it as an improvised tissue for the emotional flood.

It was then that I noticed the brides maid on the end had– had– had she just left her post? GIRL, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?? YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY HERE UNTIL–

Oh.

The tissue was handed down the line like a baton of shame, but I was just grateful it came before I got snot on Anna’s flowers.

And just like that, they were man and wife.

Having never been in a wedding before, I always wondered what happened to the wedding party after they paraded down the aisle for the last time and disappeared (with much applause and jolly music), not to be seen again until the reception was starting to get boringly long. In our case, we ran (literally) through the basement/reception area, narrowly missing the flood of guests before we made it up the back stairs and stuffed ourselves — all fourteen of us — into the tiny baptismal closet behind the sanctuary. There we waited, kept company by the mounds of dead flies, until the sanctuary was empty and we could venture back out to take pictures.

And guess what?

Anna’s veil fell off again.

The levels of cheese are starting to threaten basic intelligence.

That’s better.

She now officially has way more siblings than me.

But it’s okay! I’m definitely not bitter.

…abort mission.

ABORT.

Notice me clutching my bouquet in primal rage.

Having finally dispensed with photography, cheese, and uncomfortable displays of physical affection, we made our way down to the basement/reception area, which brilliant cousin Emily the decorating goddess had transformed into literal fairyland.

Anna and Jesse sat enthroned at their little table of honor (and Cheese) with their special plate of cookies (that I definitely did not steal from) and their own personal box of tissues in case of emotional emergencies (of which there were many) and were serenaded with speeches and special music from family and friends.

GUESS WHO GOT TO GO FIRST??

Public speaking is a blight.

I spent four months carefully crafting that thing to perfection, only to discard half of it in the moment for improvisation. I felt cheated by myself.

(You can listen to it, if you like grainy videos with low-quality audio and little kids in the margins devouring too many cookies.)

It’s very hard to concentrate when you’ve got these two goons sitting across from you and making faces.

After some songs and a tear-jerker of a letter from Jesse’s older brother (who got stuck in Canada because of the crazy covid laws and couldn’t make it to the wedding)(the Official Tissue Box was employed over THAT one, lemme tell ya), we prepared for the bouquet toss.

There was only one problem:

Anna had somehow lost the bouquet.

But it was fine! We found a replacement, and I’m pretty sure she pitched her soul along with the flowers.

She never does anything halfways.

At long last, it was time for the happy couple to depart. Most weddings have bubbles or dried flower petals for the guests to daintily toss as the couple leaves, but we’d opted for something of a more violent nature.

That be birdseed we’re flinging at them.

Jesse was shaking bits of it out of his beard for weeks to come.

We gathered to bid our final farewells, and then they were off, and they were gone, and it was over. Jesse Thiessen had his bride. The hour was late. The festivities dying. The guests leaving. It was over, and we’d done it – we’d pulled off a wedding, and now we had to go back to normal life.

Normal life isn’t very appealing.

What does one do after their only sister gets married? Four months later, I’m still trying to figure it out. We haven’t seen her since, now that she’s married to a Canadian and living on the other side of a border that’s practically impossible for Americans to cross. Life has gone back to normal, but normal isn’t very interesting when you’ve lost your adventure buddy. Telephone conversations can’t compare to the real thing, and pictures texted back and forth aren’t the same as seeing each others’ faces. What is there to look forward to, when the event your family has been thinking about and planning for and stressing over and looking towards for months, years – what do you look forward to, after a wedding?

Well, y’know.

Wow, my friends! You’ve made it through three stinkin’ parts of this crazy love story! Thanks for bearing with me, and hey, if you wanted to pray that the Canadian border would open soon, I would not stop you. In the meantime, have a happy Friday, and I’ll see you next week! (…maybe.)

~Aunt Sarah

52 thoughts on “The Mishap of Marriage // Anna’s unconventional romance, pt. 3”

  1. Aww, that’s sweet!! I love reading about weddings, and I can’t wait to get married, myself! I was looking at pictures from my mom’s wedding, my step-grandmother’s wedding, and my aunt’s wedding yesterday, and weddings always make me feel so warm and fuzzy, even though I’ve never been to one before.

    And that DRESS!!!! It’s beautiful!!!

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        1. *gasp* You’ve never been to a wedding?!? You simply must at some point, they’re quite lovely.

          …though I guess it’s not like you can make someone get married just so you can experience their wedding. Hmmm. That’s a pain.

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          1. Well, I’ve actually had several opportunities to go, but my parents are party poopers. It’s either too far to travel, or we have something else going on. One of my dad’s cousins got married fifteen minutes from our house, and we still weren’t able to go, because we had a dress rehearsal. I mean, couldn’t we have forgoed the dress rehearsal?!! (I’m joking, of course. That dress rehearsal was actually very important, so my parents made a good call on that one)

            It’s one of my goals to go to a wedding before my own XD

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  3. *applauds the fantastic plot twist at the end* I WAS NOT EXPECTING THAT. WELL DONE.

    also being a photographer myself, I understand the weird enjoyment of taking pictures of people crying. It’s awesome. XD

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    1. YEAH, NEITHER WERE WE. *staggers*

      *horrified gasp* You… you are part of the evil threatening humankind and the basic dignity of private emotion??? Depart. I can no longer bear the sight of you and your camera of vile deeds. 😂😏

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  4. AHA the mysterious brother is REVEALED!

    (Also the tags. I’m dying.)

    Anna’s dress looks so lovely! And the reception being fairyland is such a wonderful idea. Also, the Anne of Green Gables theme. (I kinda want the Shire song at my wedding, should I ever get married.)

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    1. *dramatic cape twirl* *ominous music* *shadowy laughter* REVEALED INDEED.

      I had probably too much fun with the tags…

      OH MY GOODNESS THOUGH, THE SHIRE THEME AT A WEDDING WOULD BE PEAK EPIC. You should do so. That would be grand.

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  5. “That time she said, “Sarah, you should start a blog,” so I did. The times she’d say, “Sarah, let’s go on an adventure,” so we would. The day she announced, “Sarah, I’m getting married.”
    And here we were.”
    Well. That hit me in the feelz.

    (*raises hand* I KNEW YOU HAD A BROTHER (*whispers* the secret is paying attention to details. Details people))

    Also… I greatly respect that photographer. *nods* XD

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    1. I’m sorry for your injured feelz. But also not. *cackles*

      GOOD JOB. DETAILS ARE IMPORTANT. Honestly, sometimes I feel bad for him because he so rarely makes it into my posts. 😂 I have long-time internet friends who only recently discovered I have more than one sibling.

      The photographer is evil. Do not encourage her in her pursuit of awesomeness. Even if she does take stunning pictures.

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  7. I’ve been following this wedding story and it’s so great because I can relate to it on so many levels! My only older sister got married in December and then the family left her to move to another state. There are photographs galore to recount that time. These are epic days.

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    1. *commiserates* Weddings are so strangely melancholy. They’re lovely and beautiful and exciting and all of that, but they’re also just… melancholy. Especially when you end up not living near each other.

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  8. *applauds wildly* This trilogy had levels of epicness nearing LOTR. I LOVED IT. CONGRATULATIONS ANNA. AND SARAH. And ahh this just made me so happy-sad-THRILLED. 🙂

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    1. …first off, calling this a trilogy of posts just sounds so weirdly cool and I wish I’d thought of it sooner. 😂 Secondly, AAAAAAAH, WHAT A COMPLIMENT. Though anything Anna is part of usually ends up being epic, so I guess it’s not surprising.

      Happy-sad-thrilled is a legitimate emotion and I relate.

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  9. Am I the only one who would totally not be surprised by a pregnancy announcement right now? I mean, I’ve actually be expecting one for a couple weeks… (Were you being serious? Are you an aunt? Because that would be awesome. It would mean I was right and Stephen was wrong. And that would be amazing. XD )

    I feel you, girl. My sister-in-law got married a couple of years ago, and as someone who had NO sisters until I got married, that blow was real hard. I was also one of her bridesmaids. However, I did manage to stop the flow of tears until after she left with the *horrible* brother-in-law, but boy did the tears come then! I had a couple people be genuinely concerned about me and my mental health.

    And I knew you had a brother. I even remembered his name. (I knew that seemingly unimportant detail would come in handy!)

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    1. I was indeed serious and you were indeed right! Anna is having a baby. Which is… a really weird thought, honestly, but very exciting.

      Why does everyone have to go and get married on us? Weddings are the worst. 😂You managed better than I, at least – I would have infinitely preferred to bawl my head off afterward. 😏

      SCORE ONE GOES TO YOU. The brother has not been forgotten. 😂

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  10. Girl, that speech got me all teared up. Thank you for sharing it with us!

    ALSO—THAT ENDING. I’m expecting another series very soon, hehehe

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  11. D’awwww, this was SOOO much fun to read Sarah! Honestly, the whole way you tell stories is AMAZING!!! You add in the PERFECT amount of humor that makes me laugh until my stomach hurts, but also keep them super impactful at the same time. 🙂
    Oooh, and you get like a thousand thumbs up for that speech! I have NO idea how you spoke for ten minutes without getting nervous (or at least you didn’t sound nervous), but awesome job either way! 😀
    (There’s seriously no way I could’ve done something like that. Public speaking is NOT my thing!) XD

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    1. Yay, this makes me happy!! It was quite an interesting thing to live through, so I’m glad to be able to convey some small part of the entertainment (and trauma 😂) we experienced.

      Y’know, the speech wasn’t that bad. Public speaking definitely isn’t my thing either, and I was nervous right until the moment I opened my mouth. But then my brain realized I really and truly must be stupid for still going through with it and promptly shut off. 😉

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  13. Part 3!!! Woo! And WHAT you get to be a crazy aunt?? 😱 Not gonna lie I’m a little jealous. 😂 I ASPIRE to be the cool aunt someday. (And I have 6 other sisters, so like, there’ll be 5 others battling it out for that position 😂)

    Also, wonderful job with your speech! I think you did really great. I wouldn’t have been able to do something like that haha 😅

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    1. I GET TO BE A CRAZY AUNT. My life is complete. Never fear, your time will come. And hey though, with more sisters, you’ll have more nieces and nephews to go around, so you can ALL be the cool crazy aunt.

      Thank you, thank you. I have come a long way from the timid child who couldn’t even say hello to her librarian. 😂

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      1. I wrote that tag section too late at night. My mind was tired. I rambled. It was great. 😂

        *scowls* Traitor. It is a fun picture though. I’m continually awed by how very lucky we are to be related to him. He’s grand.

        (IT WAS REALLY BAD OKAY. You know I don’t cry, like, EVER. It was so disconcerting to not be able to stop. But I’ll have you know that YOUR FACE in the background was the one thing keeping me from completely and disastrously losing it. 😂 Familiarity is very grounding.)

        (It’s also funny because in the recording, at the end when we’re parading out, the videographer caught me making a weird face at you. Ah, memories. 😏)

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        1. That’s so amazing. Good for Jesse.

          (I’M SORRY. THAT DOESN’T ALTER THE FACT THAT YOU DID IT VERY WELL. [besides, apparently you were “moving”—doesn’t that make you feel special? Seriously?] HA, wow. I feel powerful. 😄 It was very fun. [I was crying too, if that helps. :’D I saw you crying and couldn’t help it. (And the music didn’t help either. It was all so perfect.) So I was cry-smiling at you.] [I know that doesn’t help.])

          (THAT’S AMAZING. I think I remember that face.)

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  16. Have you seen the most recent Little Women film? There’s a scene in there when Meg is about to get married and Jo says something along the lines of “you will be bored of him in two years, and we will be interesting forever.” That’s what I thought of, anyways, when I was reading this!
    Here’s a link if you haven’t seen it: https://youtu.be/bw6Eb4sKCHY

    Congrats to both of them! I loved this series, and also your speech xD

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  17. What an emotional rollercoaster this series has been! I’m so happy for Anna and Jesse (I love Anna and her face so dang much). I’m so glad you survived the stresses of maid of honouring, I’ve been a bridesmaid before and that was quite enough anxiety thank you very much. And I also relate to the “I’m definitely not going to get emotional, oh look at that I’m crying”, I was the same way when my best friend got married. I never cry, especially not at overly affectionate couples 😛
    (I hope Anna remembers to turn the stove off after cooking, I struggle with that)

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  18. sarah how do you even manage to make every sentence hit i need to know
    second, this series has truly succeeded in killing me thrice with the smiles, i blame you

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  19. I read this whole post and listened to your whole amazing speech and ahhhh. Firstly: I feel like I knew you had a brother but that fact completely disappeared until I read this 😂 Secondly: PLOT TWIST ENDING! Also, like…I never cry either, so I’m officially questioning whether I’ll be able to hold myself together now if there will ever be a wedding I’ll be in…*is mildly terrified now*

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  20. Aahh this was such a wonderful, brilliantly and hilariously told series, and I’m so thrilled for Anna and Jesse! They look so adorable together.

    And you did a fantastic job with that speech! Goodness I can’t even imagine watching my best friend get married, all those emotions…I like to think I don’t cry often but I’m probably going to play it safe and stuff handkerchiefs in choice hidden locations. 😂

    I wish you and your new family blessings and all the best on this next part of life! 😀

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  23. What a happy ending! I’m so glad her veil didn’t fall off during the ceremony. XD Thank you so much for sharing that with us! I enjoyed it immensely. 🙂

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  25. This was such a beautiful post!! I’m so happy for Anna! 🙂
    And you do weep gracefully. Unlike myself, who looks the color of a blighted tomato when crying…

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  29. ANNA IS HAVING A BABY???? AKJSKAJKJA;KLDJFAFKL;JAL;DKFJALJFALKSDJF;LKAJ;LASJFDASKJFL;AJSDKFLA’KJF L;AJDFSLA;FJKDALFJAFKL;JIORGAEJFJALDKJKLF;JEIGHAOEFJAOAOWEFDSKJFA;KJKJGHAGSDKHFLKJD;LIEWOFAAAKGHIO;HWG EGOHWFO;F
    kindly excuse my rant of gibberish. 🙂
    HURRAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYY TELL HER CONGRATS (not that she knows me…hehe)

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  30. Pingback: The Roiling Cauldron of 2021 // a year in reverse – The Sarcastic Elf

  31. Ack! This was sweet and sad and funny all at the same time 🙂 🙂

    (Also, the birdseed….apparently my family also did that at my parent’s wedding. Except they were travelling from the church in my uncle’s new open top car. Into which the birdseed went, and found cosy nooks among the cushions, and in a month Unlce Barry had his own mobile tillage farm. XD

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