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Blogs, Clogs, and Fatty Frogs // ’cause what else would I name a bloggiversary post?

by Sarah Baran

*crashes into your Friday with flashing lights and heaps of blogging glitter*

GUYS.

The Sarcastic Elf is two years old.

*freaks out*

Yes, you read that correctly — it’s been 730 days since I flung myself headlong into the bottomless pit known as “blogging.” 730 days since clueless, wide-eyed, 15-year-old Sarah was swallowed by her computer. 730 days of unplanned posts, garbled grammar, lengthy stories about subjects no one but myself finds amusing, and more sarcasm than is probably healthy.

My blogging presence can be summed up in only one gif:

a

It’s true.

I was looking back through some of my old posts (because apparently, that’s what you DO when it’s your bloggiversary), and doing so has put my mental stability at serious risk. The first few posts of any new blog are bound to be terrible, but mine are… hilariously entertaining. And not in a good way.

More in a… “I’m going to stop this thrilling narrative right at the most suspenseful part so we can discuss the ludicrous nature of blue pencils,” kind of way.

Yeah.

Also, my grammar was embarrassing. (I recognize nothing has changed in that department, but still…)

So, for this most auspicious anniversary, we’re going to take a tour through the first four months of my blogging history — complete with quotes, links, and witty commentary as I proceed to make fun of myself.

Hold onto your socks.

 

Beginnings

Also known as “the one where it all started.”

When my sister first brought up the subject of me starting a blog, my reaction was one of skepticism. “Blogs are for teenage girls with nothing better to do,” I said, before realizing I was both.

There was no argument after that.

If that’s not enough to punch you in the face with nostalgic feelings, I don’t know what is.

 

A Poem of Despair

Oh gee.

If you think I’m introverted NOW, you definitely shouldn’t read this. (Though let’s be honest — you shouldn’t read it anyway. My grammar will kill you.) It’s actually pretty terrifying to remember how shy and socially paranoid I was back then.

See, it was Monday, and I was at homeschool co-op. My aunt was taking me home that day, but she was running late. So she told a certain cousin who shall remain nameless — Zachary Brice — to inform me of her schedule breach.

BUUURN.

15-year-old Sarah was savage.

 

Chronicles of Plerp: The Strange Tale of Gambergain’s Magic Spoon

Many strange things have been known to happen in the Kingdom of Plerp, and the task has fallen to me, Sylvestrus Livingstone Clarencourt the Thirteenth, to write them down for future observation.

Guys — WHO’S UP FOR A RETURN TO PLERP???

Seriously, in all my horrendous beginner posts, this is one of the few things I’m still mildly proud of. (Awful grammar or not.) Sylvestrus Livingstone Clarencourt XIII will always hold a soft spot in my heart.

 

How I Proved to the Entire Art Class that I’m a Dunce

There are a lot of things one could take away from this post, such as why — despite popular belief — math is actually important, or the benefits of watching BBC’s 2008 Emma.

But for me, the best part will always be the opening line:

A very professional critic (my sister) told me that my intro for this blog post was awful.

Two years later and nothing has changed.

This, my dear friends, is sisterly love in a nutshell. But I will grudgingly admit that…hang on. I don’t know if I can say this.

Okay, never mind. It doesn’t matter. You don’t need to know.

Sometimes Anna’s actually right.

Ahem. You didn’t read that.

 

Art Junk

*facepalm* Sarah. Honey. You can’t just name your post “Art Junk.”

This week, I did what I told myself I’d never do with this blog: I waited until the day before to write the post. Only a month into this thing, and I’m already acting characteristically like myself.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

I was so naive back then.

Also, let’s take a moment to appreciate this fine sampling of my young talents:

DSC_0018

*clutches head* …please tell me I didn’t used to draw like this, please tell me I didn’t used to draw like this, please tell me I didn’t used to draw like this…

 

That Time I Didn’t Think God Could Write a Book

According to someone I’m pretty sure is famous, “Writers’ block leads to despair, despair leads to stress, and stress leads to the Dark Side.”

And thus began the long and unceasing battle I still wage between my own selfish ambition and the desire to serve God with my talents. This was actually quite foundational to the brand I later chose for my blog — the whole “giving God your talents” shtick, and “learning to be content with the little things life throws at you.”

 

The Day I Learned that Cheating God Doesn’t Work

Part 2 of the above post. There are many spiritual takeaways from this one, and lots of lovely life lessons, but I think my favorite line is this:

For three glorious days, everything was purple and glitter and capes.

This is the kind of thing I used to say. No joke. If I was having a good day, then it was a “purple and glitter and capes kinda day.”

As if you needed any more evidence that I’m a strange human being…

 

Why My Family Shouldn’t Be Movie Characters

The only difference between now and then is that NOW, I look at this roster and am like… My family definitely SHOULD be movie characters. Oh my land. That would be one epic story.

The only difference [between mom and Hawkeye] is that if mom tried to use a bow and arrows, she would not only kill herself, but everyone else in a three mile radius.

Can I get an amen and an AMEN?

 

The Lion’s Call

Guys, it finally happened: I failed.

Honey, you were failing waaaay before you decided to write poetry.

Just sayin’.

But also… y’know… your poetic endeavors weren’t exactly the greatest moment of your creative existence, either.

 

Moving, Baran-Style

You see, Anna is a highly excitable individual. And for some strange reason, she gets extraordinarily hyper when either of our cats are suffering. Don’t ask me why, but there it is: Cat-fear makes Anna happy. She’s also very good at falling down stairs. So giving Anna a broom while she’s in a tiny laundry room with a miserable cat is bound to bring about the end times.

Possibly the weirdest and most intriguing paragraph I’ve ever written in my entire life.

 

If you’re part of that strange 0.2% of population who knows math, you’ll know what a month minus two weeks equals. I, on the other hand, had to use a calculator.

I’m such an intelligent person.

Also, does anyone remember the time Anna made me take pictures of her pretending to fall down the stairs?

IMG_2364

Then she decided to drop the box for real. With a great crashing and breaking of glass, it tumbled down the stairs and whacked me in the head. “Man down,” I croaked from the abyss of concussion, before realizing three things:

Oh look, the box that fell all the way down the stairs is MY box.

It says fragile.

And I spelled fragile very wrong.

I’m… just gonna leave this one here…

 

Poison Ivy Photography

DSC_0021

*hides face and groans*

This is honestly embarrassing. WHY did I think I could (or should) do photography??

 

My Life as a Decoration

Moral of the story: Stop trying to be Tolkien.

Once again, another ground-breaking moment in my life. Looking back, it’s not a terribly spectacular epiphany — what I shared has probably already been written a thousand times before — but still, it was new territory for me, and began a massive shift in my perspective.

Let’s all be thankful I’m no longer that insecure.

And that “The Silvershaw of Glenborn” no longer exists.

 

 

I hope you’re aware I suffered physical and psychological pain to write this post. Beginning bloggers, let me impart some life-changing wisdom to you: Never reread your old posts.

Just don’t. It’s not worth it.

Still, going through my archives felt a little bit like going back in time. In the long run, two years isn’t very long, but when I compare where I am NOW as opposed to then, there’s no questioning the fact that The Sarcastic Elf has grown. A lot.

For instance, I no longer call my mother ‘Mop.’

#ProudMoment

God’s orchestrated some pretty cool things through this platform of mine, and given me the opportunity to meet some pretty cool people. Not to get sappy on you guys, but seriously — thank you. To all you lovely readers who chose to follow and support this crazy train-wreck of an website, let me say this: You’re the reason I’ve survived two years of blogging, and you’re the reason I’m going to continue blogging for many, many more years. Thanks for putting up with me.

Also, I think you should know that this is my 100th post. Let’s take a moment to be properly weirded out by that little coincidence.

Go away now.

~Sarah

 

I had about 15 minutes to edit, proofread, and publish this post, so if there are any typos, grammar issues, or general incoherence, I direct you back to the gif at the top of this page.

I do what I want.

49 thoughts on “Blogs, Clogs, and Fatty Frogs // ’cause what else would I name a bloggiversary post?”

  1. As someone who’s only been on this crazy ship for a few months, I’ve gotta tell you that this was a very fun read. 😀
    HAPPY BLOGGIVERSARY!!!
    And despite the fact that you’ve obviously improved, I am very impressed with your hands in the old art sketch. THEY’RE GORGEOUS. I’ve never been able to draw good hands ON PEOPLE. Hands by themselves are okay, but if I try to put it on a person… *groans*
    Anywho, thanks for sharing! 😀

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    1. You’ve now been properly educated on my past. Fear me.

      Funny you should mention the hands, because I was literally just looking at them and going, “Ewww, they’re so stiff and fake looking, and the wrists are so weirdly fat.” XD Zhis is why artists should not critique their own work. 😂😂😂

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      1. THANK YOU, MELLON NIN!!!

        I just checked my all-time blog stats, and GUESS WHO’S THE TOP COMMENTER OF ALL TIME??? *gives you a medal for loyalty*

        And yes. I concur. I miss Dwings.

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  4. I’m just laughing over here because:
    1. YOU USED A LOKI GIF I CAN’T EVEN
    2. I read some of your old posts and I’m ashamed of my archives. Like that’s gold. My stuff is…meh
    3. HAPPY 2 WONDERFUL YEARS FILLED WITH WIT And RHYME AND BLUE SLUSIES
    4. Our moms sound similar
    5. You have a brother named Joseph and I do too and not a day goes by when I don’t think about the extra slice of pizza I would have if he wasn’t around
    6. I’d probably have to share it with my other brother
    7. Your intros are epic
    *dead*

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    1. *stuffs her face with blue slusies*

      Honey, you ain’t seen NOTHIN’ of Loki gifs. Pretty sure I used 8 of them in the same post once.

      Seriously though, this comment is hilarious on multiple levels. Not least because FELLOW JOSEPH BROTHERS HAHAHAHAHA THAT’S GREAT. *coughs**straightens shirt* The pizza issue is a never-ending greivance that you aren’t alone in, I can assure you. 😝

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  5. Two years already?! Wow. Time flies. Your blog is a light for Thursdays (or Fridays, if we’re referring to today …) Whatever the case, it’s a good place to laugh.

    “I do what I want.” XD Sounds like me. *melts chair*

    Congrats on a second year of blogging! Here’s to surviving more migraines, poison ivy and the Ghost of Artist Past. *nods*

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    1. Aw, thanks. ❤ And I think there should be an extra day between Thursday and Friday. Then all my scheduling problems would be solved….

      “I do what I want.” XD Sounds like me. *melts chair*

      Look and learn, children: is what happens when you hang around with kids — they inevitably rub of on you.

      *dodges the ensuing blast of fire*

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    1. Ok, now I finished 😀

      I actually did catch a typo (“know” instead of “no,” which I do *all the time*! I also type “write” instead of “right” automatically because I talk about writing so much more often XD)

      I loved going back to look at your old posts and seeing your commentary! You were and are an amazingly talented writer. Your start was so unique and personable, but over time you have grown and become an even better writer.

      And seriously, who hasn’t had those moments where they realize their book is EXACTLY the same as their favorite novel? But then, … who would we be if we didn’t?

      I’m so so thankful that I heard about you and began following you when I did! Your blog is so much more than just a very funny source of entertainment for me. Yes, I’ve laughed every time I open to your webpage, but when I remember your blog, I don’t think of the jokes; I remember the truths you reminded me of, the ways you convicted me, and how you inspire me to really pursue God in “the daily humdrum of life.”

      So thank you.

      And don’t you ever dare quit this blog like you’ve threatened in the past. Two years is a great milestone but it is by no means anywhere close to an ending point. I seriously don’t know what I would do. And your situation is even more perilous than a normal blogger: If some random blogger quits her blog, she has a bunch of sad readers on her hands. However, if YOU quit this blog, you will have a whole mob of half-crazed writers desperate to force you back into writing. You don’t want to try us. XD

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      1. I realize I keep replying to myself, but I did want to say: I’m pretty sure that’s the first typo I’ve seen on your blog. Maybe a few now and then. And no bad grammar. You’re pretty good about keeping all the who’s and whom’s in their places! So good job XD

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        1. Ah yes, THAT typo. It’s rather auspicious. (And fyi, I fixed it… 😁) I’m SO relieved this the only typo/grammar issue you’ve ever noticed, though it’s probably more a result of my mother’s editing than anything. I’ve put the poor woman through a lot when it comes to bad grammar…. XD

          And hey, thank YOU. Your comments are always so thoughtful and articulate, and they really make my day. I don’t think anything can make a blogger quite as happy as when they hear their blog is impacting someone — even if its as simple as making them smile. God has used this li’l shipwreck to teach me some invaluable lessons, and I feel like I’m somehow returning the favor when my writing touches someone…

          So yeah, anyway. ❤❤

          DON’T SIC THE HALF-CRAZED WRITERS ON ME. That’s very good incentive to keep blogging, methinks. 😉

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  7. Just so everyone’s clear: I’M NOT A CAT TORTURER (despite what my sister insinuates). All you animal lovers take a deep breath and calm down 😂

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  8. HAPPY BLOGGIVERSARY SARAAAAAHHHHHH!!!

    If I had a time machine, I’d go back two years so I could be here from the beginning. Honestly, how did I not hear about you SOONER???????
    *Pulls out boxes of chocolate and ice cream and shoves it all into your arms*
    *wipes away a tear* Happy birthday little Sarcastic Elf, and may you have many many more ❤ ❤ ❤

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      1. THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!

        Truly, your life must have been such a dark and miserable existence before I came into it. 😜

        (Jk jk I’m not that narcissistic. Though I will accept the chocolate and ice cream. Because… just because. XD )

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        1. *Eye twitches* twas so dark, like the inside of an elephant at midnight.
          Or a black hole
          Or whatever else is extremely dark and often miserable to one’s overall existence.

          In other words, INDEED, my life was once a sorrowful one, but never fear! We can all breath easy now, for those torturous days are behind us!

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  9. There are two things in life that scare me: one being snakes, and two being rereading old blog posts.
    And I do get slightly disconcerted when someone announces their two year anniversary and I can remember those glorious first posts. It makes me feel like I’ve been stalking you for a looong time.
    “Blogs are for teenage girls with nothing better to do,” I said, before realizing I was both.
    There was no argument after that.” << There is no arguing with such a profound statement. All I can say is that I hope Anna gets a guest post here one day so that she may bestow her great wisdom upon us.
    Congratulations on your 100th post and anniversary colliding 😀

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    1. HAHA, YES. The same goes for rereading one’s first writing project. Those things are terrifying…

      Wow, no kidding? You’ve been here for that long, eh? My condolences. 😉 Seriously though, that’s amazing!! And yes, Anna definitely needs to make an appearance one day. I feel like she’s become rather legendary around here… 😂

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  10. *cheers for the Loki gif* Congrats on your 2-year bloggiversary! 😄 That’s a long time! It was fun to look back and see some of your older posts 😉

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  11. Happy bloggiversary! 😀
    I don’t know Plerp, but it sounds wonderful. *makes a mental note to go hunt down ancient posts about Plerp and Sylvestrus Livingstone Clarencourt the Thirteenth*

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    1. Thank you!!

      And yes, you should. 🙂 They’re a large part of Sarcastic Elf history. (Though you may have to put up with a good deal of grammar issues… I didn’t know how to use paragraphs back then…)

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    1. Oh and Happy Bloggiversary! (forgot to say that in my excitement over Plerp)

      *runs of to like everyone else’s comments about Plerp*

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  13. Happy 2 year Bloggiversary!!! Mwhahaha, that Loki GIF actually sums up my blog quite efficiently as well 😂
    I thought it was hilarious how you didn’t care that you were hit in the head with that box, that the stuff in the box was probably broken, but the fact that you spelt fragile wrong 😆

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    1. Thank you!! And yes, it’s a gem of a gif. (Alliteration, cool…) I’ve had it in a folder for ages now, waiting for the perfect moment to use it.

      I know, right… I clearly had my priorities straight. 😂

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  16. – raises hand slowly – I vote you write more Plerp? I kinda love it? A lot? Also happy blog anniversary, Ethryndal! You’re pretty zikers.

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    1. So glad I’m not the only one who’s advocating more Plerp… as the author, it feels terribly one-sided. 😉

      *cracked whisper* I’m pretty zikers. I have been bestowed with the greatest honor a Kingdom Pen alumni can receive.

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  17. OKAY I RELEASE MY TITLE AS TIED-FOR-FUNNIEST-BLOGGER.
    There’s little that can make me laugh when it comes to reading something on a computer screen, but the FARGILE box with your commentary did me in. And your depths of despair poem. And your intros. And the blue pencil. HAHA THIS IS SO HILARIOUS. ALL OF IT. And congratulations too!! On your 2nd blogiversary and hilariousness and 100th post.

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